"The stories you are about to hear, are true. Meaning they’re all lies, but they’re entertaining lies and in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer…is no."

Greetings, I am the Watcher. You may remember me from such hypothetical comics as, "Spiderman meets the Jetsons," and "The Superfirends ‘Wassup’ Comedy Hour." In case we’ve never met, I am a small green fellow who’s job is to sit in front of a bank of screens and watch TV for eternity; the result of which being an emaciated body and a disproportionately large head; but I digress. I have here a few documents that I pulled out of one of my many, Cabinets of Possible Futures. Perhaps they might interest you. Let’s read, shall we? I call this little collection of papers…


Mortem Ad Animus


FBI Official Documents

Copy with out consent is unlawful

Official Status

Name: Anthony Marcus Durham

Height: 5’ 9"

Age FBC: 48

Weight: 225

Occupation: California Institute for Archeology and Anthropology-field researcher

Status: Deceased

CoD: Murder-approx. 15 severe stab wounds

Case: investigation pending

Notes: Victim was visiting Mexico on vacation and was presumably lured into arena-like structure where the struggle took place. Witnesses report that victim was attacked by several oddly dressed Hispanics. Body was found with ears and tail removed with a red, silk, cloth draped over the corpse. Bodies of two assailants were discovered by police near that of the victim. Assailants were apparently gored to death by victim before succumbing to blood loss. Examination of the bodies and the costumes worn revealed no links to any known murder cult. Investigation will continue under Special Agent jurisdiction.


Name: Michael Bernard Hopkins

Height: 6’ 0"

Age FBC: 37

Weight: 168

Occupation: Washington Research Center-physicist\Dorland National Choir-tenor\2002 Olympics-runner\etc. adn.

Status: Deceased

CoD: Accidental-electrocution\broken spine

Case: closed

Notes: Subject was standing in front of sink apparently washing dishes. Subject turned around and for unknown reasons was dive-tackled by wife. Subject was surprised and fell backwards. Spine was fractured on contact with edge of sink. Subject continued backwards into unusually large sink basin and several electrical devices subject had been wearing, shorted out and electrocuted both husband and wife.


Name: Elisabeth Victoria Hopkins

Height: 5’ 4"

Age FBC: 37

Weight: 105

Occupation: George C Marshall High School-English teacher

Status: Deceased

CoD: Accidental-electrocution

Case: closed

Notes: SEE Hopkins, Michael


Name: Cynthia Nicolette Rydelle Durham

Height: 5’ 9"

Age FBC: 49

Weight: 140

Occupation: San Diego Institute of Biochemistry-analyst

Status: Deceased

CoD: Mercy Killing- broken leg

Case: closed

Notes: Subject was attending Nobel Awards ceremony and was proceeding to podium to receive award when subject slipped on a small patch of water that had been spilled by an earlier recipient and had not been cleaned up. Subject fell several steps and then fell off of the platform holding the podium approximately ten feet from the stage floor. Subject was taken to local hospital and diagnosed with a shattered femur. After much debate, lethal injection was administered at patients request at 12:05 in the morning.


Name: Danielle Rosalina Murrieta

Height: 5’ 2"

Age FBC: 54

Weight: 100

Occupation: Scruples Stationary-chairperson and founder

Status: Deceased

CoD: Accidental-broken neck

Case: closed

Notes: Subject was attending the grand opening of a new mega mall apparently featuring the largest Scruples store ever built when cables holding a giant replica of a clipboard gave way. The model fell some thirty feet, landing on the company founder. In all likelihood, death was instantaneous. However, recovery of the body took some time due to metal support beams than were built into the model to represent steel fibers that are built into the company’s life-size clipboards.


Name: Kevin Makoto Nekohashi

Height: 5’ 6"

Age FBC: 39

Weight: 160

Occupation: Lord and Master of Technology-head of Microsloth Systems

Status: Deceased

CoD: Murder-drowning

Case: ongoing

Notes: Victim was found in the pool of his summer home in Florida. Assailant apparently overpowered or subdued the few guards that victim had standing guard and attacked. There were signs of a severe struggle and several of the victim’s bones had been broken. Evidence gathered on scene points to an avian assailant. The words, "who’s laughing now?" were scrawled on the wall of the scene of the apparent struggle in a substance later identified as coffee-like substance. The most likely suspect was arrested but never convicted. SEE Hawthorn, Eric The investigation is ongoing at the request of Nekohashi’s son who has significant influence in the Department.


Name: Eric Bradley Hawthorn

Height: 6’ 2"

Age FBC: 44

Weight: 227

Occupation: None-rugged individualist

Status: Deceased

CoD: Natural-cardiac arrest

Case: closed

Notes: Well known as prime suspect in the murder of Makoto Nekohashi (SEE Nekohasi, Kevin) who was never convicted despite the best efforts of state’s best reptilian prosecutor. Subject then went into seclusion and was discovered five years later in a cabin in Wisconsin; having apparently died of a massive heart attack. Subject had apparently become heavily addicted to caffeine pills, which raised the subject blood pressure to an alarming level. By the amount of decay, the subject apparently died less than a week before the body was found. Subject was watching TV at the time of death though it was theorized that whatever the subject was watching caused his heart beat to fluctuate and subsequently stop all together.


Name: Percival Aloysius Kingston

Height: 6’ 2"

Age FBC: 30

Weight: 220

Occupation: NFL-various teams

Status: Deceased

CoD: Blood Loss-severe maiming

Case: closed

Notes: While visiting Cincinnati after a game, victim, for unknown reasons entered a WOFC (Western Organization of Feminist Carnivores) conference. Members of the conference who were apprehended and later released stated that the victim accidentally made himself widely apparent to the members of the conference and then made several derogatory remarks about women. Victim and companion SEE Sorrell, Scott were attacked by approximately twenty-five females of various species. Victim suffered five broken ribs, multiple lacerations, and a variety of head injuries. He was taken to the hospital and died later that evening from loss of blood.


Name: Scott Douglas Sorrell

Height: UNKOWN- last recorded 5’ 11"

Age FBC: UNKOWN- last recorded 28

Weight: UNKOWN- last recorded 182

Occupation: Math Hunks Publications- director of personnel

Status: Missing-presumed dead


Case: closed

Notes: Attending a press conference in Cincinnati, victim ran into old college friend SEE Kingston, Percival and both attended WOFC conference. Witnesses report that after the "incident" when Kingston made several derogatory remarks, victim made several remarks to the contrary as the mob began to attack. Victim apparently attempted to escape while the mob was attacking Mr. Kingston but was caught up in the swarm of angry feminists. Victim disappeared without a trace along with several members of the conference now presumed dead as well.



What are we to learn from this? What cheesy moral can be coined to place our little exercise in a drab, over used category? Should we fear "The Reaper?" Should we spend our lives trying to prevent an unstoppable force of nature? Should we be afraid of death? Of course! What are you, stupid? If some huge chap in a cloak with a scythe came after you, you’d wet yourself just like the rest of us. Goodnight, and sweet dreams. HA HA HA HA! COUGH sorry.

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