Goldeneye 007, Class Menagerie style!

You are about to enter a world unlike any other. A world where furries rule the planet. Where chaos reigns. And at the center of this maddening world, is Richter Hall. What you are about to see may shock, frighten, or delight you. Prepare yourself. You are about to enter….


(Enter cheesy twilight zone theme here)

[Editor's note: contains shoot-em-up violence (although most actual blood is glossed over, like in most action movies) and some swearing. I'd peg this about a PG-13]

Prelude: Someone call Scooby Doo!

The time: 2359 hours.

The Date: Tuesday 10, 2001

A dark figure crept from a large military outpost on the outskirts of a major city. He was carrying a small, inconspicuous folder.

Several more figures stealthily moved from their assigned places, and piled into a waiting chopper.

"Now, you’re SURE you set the explosives nowhere near the silos? If you did, we’re all toast!"

"We’re positive. There is no C-4 within a 20 yard radius of the firing silos."

"Good….Now let’s meet up with Alice, and get this ball rolling…"

As the chopper lifted from the ground and sped off, a timer ticked to 0.


The military base, consisting of 300 allied soldiers and 50 commanding officers, went up in one large explosion.

All that was left unscathed was the Silos.

"Start the timer." The first one said. "It’ll only take 24 hours to complete this assignment."


Wednesday 11, 2001.

0000 (midnight)

Kevin and Alice, sittin’ in a tree…


Thursday 12, 2001

1600 hours

Kevin, the smart-alleck cat of the Richter building, had finally found himself a girlfriend. The one girl that made him clumsy and hard of hearing on sight, and made his heart skip a beat whenever she came near him. Her name was Alice Cutters. She was a 5 foot 4 inch orange leopard.

Kevin had finally found a girlfriend…and she didn’t know he existed. On numerous occasions, Kevin had tried to catch her attention. On his latest attempt, he had brought flowers to her door, but his legs mysteriously kept walking until he ran into a person…. or a wall…. In this case, it was Dani. When he failed to explain himself, she gave him a sharp rap on the head with her clipboard and walked down the hall to confront the rowdy group in the common room.

"I give up," Kevin thought to himself, " I’m going to have to resort drastic measures….Let’s go talk to Scott." Kevin slowly meandered over to Scott and Mikey’s rooms, where he let himself in (hey, those cat claws are good for something) and sat down on the bunk bed. He didn’t have long to wait before Scott came in.

"Hey, who’s that man in the mirror…Oh, you’re beautiful, yes you are…" Scott walked in carrying a small mirror, and straightening out his glasses. "Oh, wait, that’s my reflection…you’re still beautiful…AAAYE!" He finally noticed Kevin, sitting amused on the bunk bed. "DON’T DO THAT. *Gasp* "

Scott took a minute to compose himself, quickly hiding the mirror. "so, aside from breaking and entering, wachu in for?" Scott asked, as calmly as he could.

"Well, I’m trying to get the attention of…someone…a female someone…you’re good at that sort of thing, any advice?" Kevin asked, hoping that he sounded nonchalant.

"Well, I don’t think you want the attention that I get from women…however, if you REALLY want a woman to notice you, I suggest –" Scott never got to finish his thought. At that moment, a small badger came in, bearing a large amount of papers. Without a word, he carefully slid the bottom paper from the pile, and set it on the desk. Kevin got up, reading the paper:

Strut your stuff for the ladies!

Tonight, prove your worth in the assembly hall. Talent Contest of hand-to-hand combat skills! Chosen people will be off on an all-expense paid trip. No more information is known.

Kevin’s techno-geek brain shot into action at this point – he had a foolproof idea.

"uh-oh…" Muttered Scott, "I don't like that look."


"What was that??" Scott rushed to the door. Brad was laying on the hall floor, trying to remove a dripping bucket from his head.

"Oh, I…uhh…rigged his door to drop a bucket of water balloons on his head when he walked in…" Kevin smirked as he saw Brad bump off a wall in search of assistance.

"Do you know what would've happened if Dani walked in there for a surprise inspection?"


"Do you realize what will happen after Brad gets that bucket off of his head?"

"Uhh…maybe I'd better go down to the library and study for a while..."

Talent Contest


Kevin hadn’t been so nervous in all his life. The rest of the day, he broke Mikey’s record for running into people and objects, blew 3 tests, and missed 5 sets of important notes. On a much-needed bout of exercise (on Mikey’s prescription) he tripped over several hurdles, resulting in a 10-person pile-up.

Finally, the big hour came. All of Richter hall was crammed into the auditorium (with the acceptation of the mega-geeks that preferred staying inside with their laptop). Kevin was last in line to "strut his stuff".

Kevin glanced just to the side of the stage, and his heart skipped a beat – Alice was taking down notes! "HAH…now she can’t help but notice me! Sweet!"

Tony sat on the bench beside him as Biff took his place on the stage.

"I bet he bribed the teachers to let him up front…" muttered Tony, as Biff summoned 5 assistants forward, 3 carrying cement slabs, and 2 carrying wooden platforms. The crowd went silent as Biff prepared to show off. He bent forward, touching his head to the cement blocks; he stood up suddenly, and with a cry, sent his head crashing into the cement blocks.

CRACK. Silence.

Tony looked nervous…"I don’t think that was the cement blocks cracking." Biff stood up rather woozily… staggered…. tripped, and fell off the stage into the orchestra pit. An assembled team of medics took him out in a stretcher. (The office learned to keep a medical team on standby at all times after the international nerf-ball federation came to town, and Brad tried to see how many nerf balls he could stuff in Kevin’s mouth).

With a shake of his head and a sigh, Tony took his place on the stage. His routine was rather common, putting his fist through several 2-by-4s. The RA (Resident Assistant) Dani, however, put them all in a stupor. She walked onto stage with a long, heavy rope, with a knot in the end. Assistants resumed their places with the 2-by-4s. Dani started twirling the rope around her head like a lasso…. *KRAK*... she let go of the rope, sending it flying into a board, effectively splitting it in two. She repeated the process with all the boards.

"Oh, yeah," she said, just as she broke the last block, "Self-protection seminar on next Friday, BE THERE."

"I’m going to be sick that day," a tough-looking Gator said, rather nervously.

Cindy put all the men to shame with an impressive bit a karate/kickboxing. Within 2 minutes, the assistant was on the floor, in a "don’t kill me, I have a wife and five kids" position.

Finally, it was Kevin’s turn. Needless to say, he was almost wetting himself. Once up, he was surrounded by 20 assistants, 10 with platforms, 10 with 2-by-4s. The lights went out. scream! A spotlight flipped on, illuminating Kevin, who had mysteriously changed into Karate fatigue. An impressive bit of music came on, slowly at first, then faster. In time with the music, Kevin roved around the blocks, as if sizing them up.

"Show off," Tony thought.

As the music went to it’s fastest, Kevin became a whirling, spinning, kitty buzz saw. Whenever the orange blur came in contact with a block, there was the distinct sound of a chainsaw hitting a Redwood, but the block looked un-touched. Finally, the music ended. Kevin stood amid 10 2-by-4s.

"HAH!" Biff, who was barely conscious, "You didn’t even touch the blocks!"

Kevin looked crossly at Biff, as he stomped the ground. 10 2-by-4s suddenly became 200 building blocks. Alice scribbled furiously in her notebook. The audience stood, dumbstruck. Brad, who was behind the curtains on a ladder with a bucket of water, decided that he’d better not douse Kevin like he had planned.

As Kevin walked behind the curtain, he kicked the leg of the ladder. Hard.

"Wooa…woaaaaa….waaaaaahhhh….AIIIEEE!" The ladder collapsed, Brad plummeted from the 5 foot ladder, landed on the floor, and the bucket of water fell on his head.

"SON OF A )(*$#&'N #$)(*&^ )(*#$&^$# )#*($ )#(*$&^)($*&^)"

Kevin noticed Dani smirking. "Hey, don’t hit me! That was his fault. I…I tripped over the ladder!"


Kevin gets Dumped/Something Unexpected

At the end, Alice had a full notebook, and walked back to her dormitory, closely followed by Kevin.

Alice sat down at a computer console, and flipped open one of the many laptops. Almost immediately, she began typing to a chat buddy named "AL2150"

Kevin sneaked into the room. He caught a glimpse of what was on the screen:

Alice clicked in her call sign.

: AL2150: Did you get the names?

: AliceInWonderland2005: Yes, I did. There are several others that will be…useful…if the plan goes through.

: AL2150 : Goooooood. You know what to do…

"A-HEM." Kevin coughed. Alice jumped a mile into the air. She quickly snapped shut the laptop, preventing Kevin from reading anymore.

"Kevin! Sigh I was looking for you. Step into my office, please."

"GLEE! She wnts me in her ‘office’."

Alice’s office looked strangely professional, with several computer consoles, and monitors littering her room. He found it strange that all the screensavers had the presidential seal on it, but not everyone is perfect.

"I called you in here, because I need your help," Alice began. "I am not who you think I am – I know about your crush on me, so forget it right now."

Almost immediately, Kevin’s swelling heart deflated faster than a car tire that ran over a 6-inch spike.

"I am working with a…a government Agency. We need your help desperately."

Kevin didn’t hear much else. He was too shocked – Alice, a Government agent? Nah….

"OW!" He wasn’t dreaming – pinching himself hurt, especially so with those claws.

"Hullo? Kevin?"

"HUH? Oh, yeah, sure!"

"You’re sure about this? Oh, good, I was hoping you would understand. I need to round up these people and meet me here." She handed Kevin a slip of paper with an address on it.:

Tony Durham

Kevin Nekohashi

Cynthia Rydelle

Elizabeth Dodson

Danielle Murrieta

Damon Mandell

1540 Sounding Alley

"Are you sure you can handle this?" Alice asked, looking genuinely concerned. Kevin nodded, still devastated, and wandered off, with the paper still clutched to his heart. He finally looked down at the paper, and figured he’d better get started.

And that’s why, on Friday 13th, at 0000 hours, in the middle of an ally, The entire "CM crew" was crammed into an unmarked government Chopper, dressed entirely in navy blue, on their way to a military base.

Road Trip! Err….something like that.

0100 HOURS

It was only now that Kevin realizes what sort of stuff they were getting into.

"Listen closely, as what you are about to hear may save your life." Alice was dressed in a black jumpsuit, and was holding a long metal pointer, jabbing at a picture of a military complex.

"About 3 hours ago, missile firing codes were stolen from this high-security missile base in the Middle of Nowhere, California." Slide change Dani wasn’t sure it was the same base, as all that was there was a ruined set of bomb-blasted, hollowed out buildings. "Whoever stole those codes rigged most of the base with C4, and destroyed everything but the firing silos. All that was left was a note tacked to the wreckage of the front door, saying ‘Richter will fall!’ We tracked the subject as far as Down Town Los Banos, but lost him at the city limits in heavy traffic.."

Tony interrupted, "Why does it have to be a him? Why can’t we have a female insane culprit?"

"Okokok, He/She was found again 30 minutes later, entering an old, run down R&D (Research and Development) complex. They’ve set up a military outpost at the entrance, preventing anyone from entering on foot. You’re going to be airlifted to a safe space to the north-east of the base, where you’ll enter and try to—"

Kevin this time. "Why don’t you just airlift us to the mouth of the R&D complex?" Alice sighed, and clicked on the remote. This time, it was a silent movie. At first, it was dark, showing only a sizable Chopper and a set of headlights. Then, a bright point of light, going from the ground to the chopper. Though there was no sound, The CM crew could imagine the explosion, the screams…(after all, that’s normally what you’d hear around the 3rd floor of the Richter building)…

"Oh. Why can’t you just blow up the silos before he fires them? Or lock them down?"

"The silos are too close to a city, and they’re nukes."

"Oh again."

Alice didn’t wait for another comment. She clicked the remote again, this time bringing down a sizable map.

"You’ll be inserted into the base here (pointing at the northeast corner), if we get any closer, the automated base defenses will find us and blow us out of the air like a silly fly. From there, you’ll have to make your way to the air vent, here (points to the southeast corner). Once you’re inside, make your way to the mouth of the base, where you’ll have to capture a military vehicle, (indicating the hangar in the north sector) and get it to the R&D complex. You’ll be given further instructions there. Let me remind you that this is a COVERT OPERATION, meaning if ANYONE knows you’re there, you’re as dead as . . . . . a really, really dead thing. The point is, DON’T GET CAUGHT. Neutralize the security if you can, but don’t kill them."

"WHAT?" Tony nearly shot through the roof. "If we can’t let them see us, why can’t we just kill them?" Kevin nudged him hard, muttering:"because this is a family comic strip, idiot. Think G rating."

"This is what you’re facing now." Another click of the remote brought up a video of a foot soldier that looked thoroughly inbred, and carried a rather large Assault Rifle.

"Oh, I’m sure they’re going to obey that rule, yes!" Tony jabbed back, and then out loud, " How are we supposed to get through if we can’t kill them?"

"Well, you’re going to have to figure that out for yourself, now aren’t you?" Alice said, with a suppressed smile. "You’ll find a backpack under your seat, with all the supplies you’ll need for later – just don’t open it yet. We’re about to drop you off . . . . We have no information about what’s on the other side of the gorge right now, but I’m sure something will turn up. If…err…when you come out, I will have further instructions for you."

Dani, who had been silent so far, checked through the packs. "What? There are only 6 packs here – aren’t you coming?"

Alice looked startled. "What? Me? Of course not! I’ve gotta stay behind to guide the cleanup crew…you guys are on your own!" The chopper landed, just inside the wire fence. "Oh, yes, and do watch out for those patrol choppers, if they see you, they’ll nail you to a rock in a bloody mess…. G’day now!"

The chopper took off in a flurry of dust, leaving the CM crew to their own devices.

Lisa looked rather shocked at the fact that she was in this mess. "She left us…she left us!" she was silenced by a stern glance by Dani. They set their radios to the preset frequency, stuck the receivers in their ears, and with that, they were off.

"Huh." Alice thought aloud, "That was TOO easy…now the fun starts."

Behind Enemy Lines/Dani finds a new skill

0300 HOURS

As quickly as possible without attracting attention, The CM crew made their way between the rocks of the desert landscape between chopper passes. Everyone but Tony had an easy time getting to the air vent. Tony, however, had a hard time finding rocks big enough to hide him. Several times, he had to dive under shrubbery to keep from being discovered. *Thocka thocka thocka thocka.* Tony dived behind the largest rock he could find. Finally fed up fed up with waiting, he made a mad dash for the vent.

*Thocka thocka thocka thocka…* *Whistle* "Incoming!" Dani yelled out. *KA-BOOMPH!* The rock Tony was hiding behind exploded into shards. He barely made it into the vent before gunfire tore the ground.

As silently as possible, they slipped in. The hallway was dark, mildew-ridden, and run down. Cracks ran the length of the wall, as if a giant had tried to pry the concrete building open. Scorch marks were abundant on the walls. Boxes and Crates lay scattered along the floor.

"Odd….I thought we were going into an enemy base!" Kevin said.

"Yeah? So?" Dani whispered.

"Why does this look so much like Richter hall?"


Damon was the first to notice the three guards in the hallway, chatting away. With 2 fingers, he signaled Tony to get the one on the right, and Dani to take the one in the middle. Everything happened almost simultaneously. CRUNCH one guard went down, a large dent in his helmet, and another CRUNCH as Damon threw the second guard backwards, demolishing a crate. The third went down with some difficulty, as Dani’s Clipboard sheared right off his helmet. He was one of the few that actually had helmets. By this time, Tony and Damon were hidden again.

"Aww, wazzis? A little girly trying to take me down? Moi? How sweet! How about a kiss before I make minced meat out of you?" Apparently, the Guard had no manners…. nor brains.

"Ok, sure! Pucker up, big boy!" Dani stealthfully crouched down, picked up a sizable board from the Crate wreckage, and…*KA-WHAK! * A guard’s helmet went flying, and a third guard crumpled to the floor.

"Well, that was easy…" Lisa said, picking her way over the wreckage.

"Dumbass." Dani made sure she stepped on him as she left.

As everyone else went on, Damon crouched over the guards, opening vest pockets, and salvaging supplies. He returned to the group, his vest and shirt noticeably bigger. 2 minutes of stealthy crouching and hiding brought them to the control room. With a boost, Lisa was able to peek through the window of the large security door.

"Uhh….I don’t think we want to go in there just yet." She stammered, lowering herself to the floor.

"Why?" The crew was puzzled, and at a loss for places to go.

"Ummm...1 guard by the door, 2 working the consoles, and probably more that we can’t see. Too many for us to try to take out."

So, they kept walking, and walking, with only a boarded up door and an unfinished dormitory for sightseeing. On closer inspection, Kevin noticed light coming out from the cracks in the board.

Hmmmm…. Kevin thought to himself rummaging through his bag. He ran across a large toolbox (Alice had done background research on each of the CM Crew’s strong points). Opening it, he found several high-tech tools, including his old standby…

"Harrumph. All of this high-tech stuff, and they still include a roll of scotch tape and WD-40?". He drew out an old, rusty-looking crowbar, and with a few well-placed strikes, he demolished the flimsy barricade.

"You know, when god said ‘let there be light’," Lisa said, squinting, "I don’t really think he meant fluorescent lighting." In contrast to the dark, run down halls they had run across earlier, the hallway in front of them was brightly lit, and obviously got use.

"One problem." Damon said, walking in front of them, "Security door. We gotta get past that to continue."

This was a stumper. For 10 minutes, they wandered around the hall, looking for another way in. Lisa noticed an air vent, but that was too small for Tony and Damon to get through without losing a lot of weight. Finally, Cindy stumbled (literally) across the answer.

Trip OOMPH. She picked up the metal plaque, and blowing away the dust….

"EUREKA! I found it!" The crew quickly surrounded her. The plaque read "Control/Security room"

"So?" Kevin asked skeptically (the only way he knew how to ask a question.)

"So, if it’s a security room, they should be able to open up the doors!"

This proved to be another problem: How to clear the room inconspicuously? Another answer easily solved by the "all-knowing backpack".

"Ah-hah." This time, it was Damon. He pulled out a grenade the size of his fist. "A flash-bang. Fun for Frat parties everywhere!"

"That's inconspicuous?" Kevin said.

He rapped on the door, causing a guard to come open the door.

WAK He received a bulldog elbow in the face, effectively putting him out of commission.

"Hey, BONEHEADS! CATCH!" Damon pulled the pin and threw the grenade.

True to it’s name… FLASH BANG When the smoke cleared, 3 guards found themselves sleeping contently on the floor…At least those who were unlucky enough to not have gas masks. While Tony and Damon were busy at the consoles, a hand shot out of the remaining haze, wrapping itself around Cindy’s neck. SNAP The hand released, and a quite unconscious guard slid to the floor. Dani emerged from the smoke, carrying 2 halves of a 2-by-4. (1-by-2?)

"Darn. Now I’ll have to find a new bat." Cindy, still rubbing her neck, checked on the progress of the guys.

"Almost…almost…nearly…. GOTCHA!" Tony had found the codes. With almost unbelievable speed, they rushed back to the hallway, unlocked the door, and found themselves staring down the barrel of a loaded Assault Rifle.

"HEY! Don’t point that at me, you could put someone’s eye out with that! To make sure he got the point, Damon snatched the gun’s barrel, and imitating Dani, used it like a baseball bat. KATHWAK

"Mmmmm…. not nearly as satisfying as tackling a runner on the 10 yard line, but fun."

6 is company, 30 is a crowd

0500 HOURS

The CM crew had reached their final trouble point before going over to the other side of the base. In front of them, was a wide-open room, occupied by nearly 15 soldiers.

"Ooh boy. We’re definitely not fighting through THAT." Lisa said, as she hugged close to Damon.

"You know what? I don’t think we’re going to have to!" said Kevin, as he grabbed Damon’s binoculars. Scanning the room for a few minutes, he found what he was looking for. "Muahahahahahaaa…Damon, do you think you can put a live grenade into that room over there?" He pointed at the ammo dump.

"Most definitely." He pulled the ring, and threw it with all his might. It sailed….dropped….*CLANG* Bounced off of a guard’s helmet….rolled….

"BULLSEYE!" The grenade slid easily into the large door. Kevin was looking at his watch.

"And 3…. 2…1…." KA-BOOMPH The grenade set off a chain reaction, annihilating the ammo room with a thundering explosion. As an added bonus, it had the desired affect – as soon as the guards rushed in to the tiny room to see what happened, the door collapsed right behind them.

"YEAAAHAH! The only way out of there now is the air vent!"

The room was very large, with a considerable amount of furniture, and 3 exits other than the one they just collapsed.

Dani took over at this point. "OK, Lisa, you take the far left door. Tony, middle door, I’ll peek down the right corridor. The rest of you, stay here."

Lisa was the first to arrive at the end of the corridor. "Just a laundry room" she said to no one in particular, thought about cleaning her now-grimy jumpsuit, but decided better of it.

Meanwhile, Tony was not having much better luck, but was having a much more enjoyable time at it. "A KITCHEN! YAY!" He searched the room thoroughly for supplies, but finding only dried out military rations. "Yuk…. Let’s try the pantry."

The pantry was a large, walk in closet, adorned with 3 top-heavy shelves. And much to his surprise and delight… "CHOCOLATE!" He immediately went at stuffing all the candy bars he could into his pocket. Crunch…Someone stepped on a discarded candy bar behind him…then poked him in the back with the barrel of a gun.

"AIPE!" Tony jumped forward, ramming into the top-heavy shelf, sending it falling on top of the surprised guard.

"My, my, such a waste of candy…ah well." He left the guard to his devices…. but not until he made sure he was stripped of anything that he could use.

Meanwhile, Dani was not having good luck at all. At the end of the hallway, the only thing she found were a pair of guards, accompanied by a pair of tripod turrets. She made a hasty escape, before anyone noticed.

"No luck?" Damon asked. After a five-minute report, he leaned on the wall, stroking his chin. Crumble The wall he leaned on gave way, opening into an underground tunnel. "MMH. How convenient!"


1000 HOURS

The CM crew found themselves facing the "light at the end of the tunnel", and staring at a different type of menagerie: There was every type of military vehicle imaginable parked in neat rows along the back wall.

"AWESOME! MK 16, double tread tanks. Standard issue Hummves! GLEE!" Damon boldly stepped into the harsh florescent light.

"Be careful, Damon." Dani cautiously called, "There were stationary turrets outside the exit, I doubt they would leave this place unguarded."

"Yes, be careful!" Tony echoed. Unwilling to risk their own necks to any extent, unlike the semi-suicidal Damon, they retreated back into the tunnel. The only ones brave enough to watch now were Lisa and Kevin.

Damon was halfway across the hangar when Kevin’s cat-ears came into action. He detected a faint Fwip…beep…beep…beep He flipped on his comm. System.

"Watch your step, Damon, I thought I heard something.." Damon ignored the paranoid tabby cat.

50 feet from the door. 40. 30…10…5…. Damon did not see the tripwire.

SHWOOP A sizable gun turret slid into view from the Silo in the floor.

"FREEZE, dog-boy. Those guns work on motion sensors. Move slowly and it won’t catch you…. hopefully."

Doing his best to follow Kevin’s advice, he stepped backwards. One step. Two. Three. The minutes stretched by agonizingly…*TRIP* Damon tripped over a chord across the floor, and was up and running before the gun could even catch him. He felt like he was back on the football field again, with guns flipping up everywhere, trying to track him. It was no use, he was going too fast. 50 feet to the tunnel exit, and what few guns that were in range were firing madly at the fast-moving dog.

40 feet.

30 feet.

10 feet.

5 feet.

Another trip wire.

Another Gun turret, this time in front of the tunnel. Damon skidded to a stop, but not fast enough.


Damon staggered backwards, then fell to the floor in a heap, with 20 bullet holes in his front vest.